2011 - year in review

(This is review jumps from place to place, I may add more to it as more important things come up to me)

The 11th grade ended.
I had an extremely spiritual experience that completely transformed me. It started with the exploration of inner council and bdsm.
Once I was regrounded, I had found a new relationship with God, my higher power, and I had also discovered that I was a Child of God. Because of this I claimed myself as a Christian, once again. I went to churches and I made new friends in relations to it. I had beautiful experiences during praise and worship and retreats. I made new friends through other experiences, such as Laurie and my dad. Then she introduced me to a new spiritual teacher who could also hear voices and I began going to her class on the ascended masters teachings.
I worked at the American Village as a junior interpreter. I made new friends there and had an amazing experience. Noel and Billy loved me and I think they wanted me to work there. They said I had real talent.
I grew farther away from old friends such as Kaitlyn, Carla and even Emily. Emily and I are still friends but we are much farther apart then we have been in years and soon she will be moving to Cali with her boyfriend Carlos. It was for the best that we got some distant so it won’t hurt as bad once we are separate.
I ended my romantic relationship with Kirene because of the fact that there was danger, no communication and we live in two different worlds. I felt that at least for now it was best if we went two separate paths. I still consider myself his friend and I really haven’t stopped being in love with him but slowly and surely I am working to let him go so that he and I can be free within our hearts. He is also someone that I see as very sacred to my life, my path and my heart. I believe I will always hold him this dear to me and do not plan to change that for anything or anyone.
I’ve read many books and teachings such as the Return to Love. I have found much joy and courage in the movie series The Neverending Story and I’ve also found an inspiring band called Stratovarius.
I grew closer to Skye again and I also recently became friend with  Taylor. Because of Pat’s class I began going to Unity, a church in Birmingham and there is a new minister there that I really love named Mark.
My cat Socks passed away and I adopted a kitty during the bad tornadoes that I named Kiara and my brother named Boots. So she is named KB. Then later on I adopted the cat which I named Sarah and Sam calls Lynx. Sometimes I will call her Evie.    
Libby also passed away and so we adopted her bird Mimi and took a lot of her stuff as well as the Woodly Road house stuff.
I began to learn Korean and I rekindled my relationship with my mom and dad more then I have in years. I have done much personal work on myself and I actually enjoy doing chores now. I work to live a healthy life and to love myself while following my own path and truth and respecting others paths and truths.
I turned 18 this year and I am a senior. I am much more emotional now and at times I feel years younger. I am working on heart healing and I believe I have let go a lot of the anger that I used to have buried deep in my heart. I am still cleansing.
This entire year was effected by the spiritual even that happened in February. After that, I wasn’t the same and life wasn’t the same. I struggled through many hard truths but also was shown so much beauty that I had not even known.
I found inner peace, I found happiness and I found love. I discovered that my truth was love. The core of it was love. And I believed that my shadow self was the parts of me that I wouldn’t accept. I believed that the ego was a fear based idea of myself which sprouted from the idea of separation and the unhealthy energy was blocked energy but I don’t believe in evil or good, heaven or hell, or any other form of duality as being true. I know that it is real, just as time is real but I also believe that at the root, time is merely an illusion that is a tool to teach.
This year has been a year of enlightenment, work, healing and divine love. Fears I thought I’d never get passed were dismantled in moments and I was revealed my own truth which seemed so ever elusive to me. I have fallen away from my own path and truth many times during the year but I do have a destination in mind which is what is important.
I also have decided that freedom is the best path towards my own truth and self. To find inner freedom I must be willing to surrender which is something I actually did learn and do for the first time in years this year.
I went through a lot of anguish and faced some things I thought I would never have to face. I definitely had many moments where I felt totally powerless and that there was nothing that I could do. I found out that sometimes it’s good to get to the place so that one can release and just let go, for once.
This is year has been the year that my dreams came true. The Princess woke back up, I went through the butterfly transformation and am still currently going through it.
I became a believer. And now when I ask myself of what, I think, “Of anything. Anything beside the nothingness that was in my heart.” I believe and I do believe in Love but even in the moments that I feel that I fear I am believing in something and I now am aware of that. There isn’t that empty void within my heart anymore. I am learning to coexist as I have always wanted to with all aspects of myself and I have gained much confidence from this.
I also saw my own strength in a new light. I was thrown into the worst place I’d ever been and I really feared there was no hope at times for me but this beautiful flame in my heart, my little light, was unable to be ‘put out’. I understand now, that it never will be, because that IS me at the core and depths of who I am. I’m the little light shining.
I danced much more this year and learned some belly dancing, I also began to do yoga and meditations frequently. My future for the next year is still not set in stone but I have also learned to live in the moment and that if you truly are following your heart and your own truth this is all you need to guide you forward. So, for now, that is what I am doing and have been doing most of the year. I created more artwork this year and was given a ton of new stuff. I decided that I would not call myself, “We” anymore and that having an inner council made me feel too much like a bunch of separate beings in one body. I feel more or less after listening to the voices that really the different aspects of a person is not much different then the different aspects of two different people who create a whole of the human race, a whole of the universe. Because I also have begun to believe in Unity. That we are truly One, like waves on the ocean. We each have our own twist of uniqueness but our spirit comes from the same place.
This year I learned how privacy was not as nearly important as I thought it had been before considering this was only something even known about on my world and the way my world lived.
I have had more fun this years, as well. I have let go of a lot of my pushing away from of my childish side. I had an amazingly childish birthday party with my friends and family and I also have gone on adventures with family. I have played with my dolls and I have been childishly creative.
I met my uncle Ed on a trip up to Florida for the first time in many, many years and it was a great visit.
I became a vegetarian and also I stopped smoking! I at the beginning of the year cold turkey and never started again. I definitely know God helped me through it. I have been working to live a healthier life in all aspects of the word that applies to me and my spirit.
Two friends from New York, John and Amanda, roomed with us for a while and then moved to Birmingham. We gave them my bed so now I am sleeping in my rooms with her and that has made us even closer. John and Amanda have been great friends to have but plan to move back to New York as soon as they can. And right before the year ended I got my first job working at Subway with my brother and some friends. I am still planning to get my license, so maybe I will succeed before the year ends! And if not then that is what will be on my New Years Resolution.    

Dreams

My dreams have been a big help to me lately! Tonight's dreams helped me face some thing's honestly of which I haven't been truly honest with myself about, lately. I would say it here but it's of a more personal matter that may not be appropriate to publish onto the internet. But also within the dream I was shown my own confidence. There was this kid who was a guy and for some reason I was relating to this character as myself but I was just watching him. He'd been bullied before but he was a very kind-hearted guy. Yet, at some point he comes into a lot of money and his whole personality changes. When he steps out of his suuped up new car he is Tom Cruise...LMAO! And then he is himself again walking to this school feeling really awesome. While he is in the cafeteria this girl who was his friend tries to say something to him but he says, "I don't want you to talk to me. You're a female and a female would only talk to me because she's interested in me. I'm not interested in you." Then his best friend beside him says, "Don't talk to her like that!" So he looks at his friend and says, "You're no longer my friend now." And his friend says, "I don't want to be with this new personality you've gotten." You can tell this upsets him and the girl he'd just insulted says, "You can't ever be the person you're trying to be." So his response is, "I just wanted to be cool for one day so I wouldn't be bullied." And then she shook her head, "You can't be anything but yourself." That's when I suddenly had a body as myself and I drew with sharpie on the cafeteria thing "I'm not perfect either, I've also not been myself at times but -something something something- We're forgiven." And he ends up reading it. So then he stands next to me and the next thing you know someone is insulting him. I almost get mad but then I tell him, "Don't listen to what they have to say. You know the beautiful person you are inside. Believe in who you really are and love yourself then those words will be meaningless to you." This is also something I needed to hear. I know who I am and even if other people don't like certain things about me I can't change the person that I am and I don't want to. I will respect other people and who they are but I won't disrespect myself in the process. I am who I am and I believe in that person.

Elizabeth

New Years Ultimatum

New Years Ultimatum - Get my license by at least February

Everything that I'd like to do revolves around me needing to get my own license. This way I can get a job and many other things. So that means I need to drive, drive, drive. 

I'd also like to focus on my school work a little more and get that over and done with. 

I can hardly believe it's almost been a year now since all the stuff in my life changed. 

I'm working to heal my heart, right now. Today, I actually know that if anyone else besides the animals had been around they would have been for sure that I had totally lost it. It was shortly after my last blog post. I found myself looking at my bird thinking, "She chose to be her. This spirit in this bird was curious enough about life to come here." Usually I felt bad for her because she was in a cage and I was sure she probably didn't like life too much but suddenly I saw that she'd come here with high hopes and joy and curiosity. The spirit certainly doesn't feel victim/victimization. I began looking around and seeing all the plants in the house and how I just knew they all wanted to be here and it made me bubble up with joy to the point that I was laughing hysterically in a way I never had before. This lasted for quite a while. 

I started watching my show Roswell again and pretty much this episode showed how the main character's Liz and Max where really done. I could so relate to the pain both of them were feeling. They wanted so badly to be together but knew they couldn't so they remained in a state of limbo because they still were holding onto some thread of hope that it could change. Yet the truth was that the very love they had cherished was now suffocating them with pain. So at some point they both realize they really do need to let go of one another so that they can have happiness again. But it turns out there are people waiting there for both of them who love them very much and so they are not alone. This is what Liz says in her journal;

"We try to live responsible, logical lives but we can't tell our hearts what to feel. Sometimes our hearts lead us to places we thought we never wanted to go. And sometimes our hearts can be the sweetest, gentlest things we have. Sometimes our hearts can make us feel miserable, angry, excited and confused - all at once. But at least my heart is open and I'm writing again. I'm feeling, I'm breathing."

I have heart healing from these episodes and it also helps me to face the fact that there is a part of me that grieves him. I grieve him and I grieve all the friendships that I'd had for years which now have disappeared completely, almost. I know this is for the best, right now, but it is also scary and sad.  

I lived quite a few years in a state of pure joy with those beautiful people so why would I want to let them go? But it's true that people are constantly changing, I also know this from my own experience. I am constantly changing. 

Mom came home and she seemed so down and I guess I just got down, too. It's not her fault, I know. And then she said how I should've done the dishes and I thought how stupid it was for me to spend so many hours laughing and cutting up. I want to be happy but I know I need to stay grounded here and do what needs to be done. It's also hard to live with someone else and I really need a break. I need space to myself. I need my own room again. I think that would help A LOT. 

Heart healing is what has been on my mind lately- 

Elizabeth

     

The Body~

Last night I was feeling a lit bit upset. I found myself thinking about when I used to want to just grab into my chest and pull out the pain. It felt like it was some sort of sickness that needed to be ripped out.

But all of the sudden in my minds eye I see my hand reach up into my chest and then I see my beating heart. There was nothing on my heart, it was just doing what it was supposed to be doing. It was pumping blood and nothing was wrong with it. So farther up my hand traveled until it dipped into these dark cavern that led to my throat. Again, nothing was wrong with my throat. I could speak normally and I could breathe normally. So farther up my hand went till it reached my brain. It was just a brain that was doing what it was supposed to do. It sent signals and there was nothing wrong with. It made me begin to realize that I needed to see there was nothing working against me. My organs were doing exactly what they were supposed to do, I was somehow deluding myself. Now one thing was interesting that I saw weird green energies on my brain - like I was some kind of alien or something. But I knew what my body was telling me, I needed a perspective change. It did help me go to sleep.
I thought on it some more and it made me think of a symbiotic relationship. It was as though my body were showing me that my emotional whims do not effect the organs of my body that way. If I'm sad my heart isn't just going to stop working and be sad with me because it's have an 'off' day. That's not it's purpose. Also, I do not control my heart. I do give it things such as vitamins to help it but it is like it's on organism living in the same 'house'. But truly all the organs work this way, they do work with me but they are their own living organism. It makes me get a new perspective on treating my body like a temple. This beautiful creation of a body was freely given to me and I get no feeling that my body does not want me to have control but it does want me to see things clearly. I am the one having these emotion, the body is what is keeping blood pumping and neurons working. So then one must ask is the emotions just something of the brain along with consciousness or is there also such a thing as an emotional body? Some people call the emotional body the soul. I believe if one see's the emotional body like a normal body and realizes that it too, functions as a body would. Each part of the emotional body [some people see as chakra's] works to do what it was meant to do. While one is to keep the physical body healthy it is also good to keep the emotional body healthy. So if this is true then we are not living as one body but as at least two. I am someone who believes that beyond the emotional body is the spirit life. In understanding one's physical body, one can begin to understand their emotional body. It too, like the physical heart will do what it is supposed to do. The emotions do not have anything 'against' us or are out to get us. The emotional body also is not laying down on the job, there is no such thing but simply responding to what it is supposed to do. The emotional body seems to be much more highly connected to the mental body which is where consciousness resides. In understanding the functions of the emotional body, one can more easily understand the function of the mental body or of consciousness and that consciousness is the conduit for spirit to channel itself into the reality plane of existence. That consciousness is never doing wrong or is down on the job, it only doing what it is supposed to do.  So to live a healthier life one should also know thyself to love thyself and to thine own self be true. I believe fear roots from misunderstanding for it was only in my delusion that I felt discomfort. This way of perceiving is so beautiful and comforting that I can't put it into words. Everything is flowing wonderfully. With understanding come grace. So really the fear is just misunderstanding and it's all part of growing. Can be a little bit painful to be born but eventually you'll make it if you keep pushing. Ah! It reminds me of the metamorphosis of the butterfly. How beautiful.       

Timelines

I guess it's a Holiday thing that makes you reflect. Some of is nostalgic and some of it is just simple reminiscing.
"Time can take it's toll on you when you least expect it. It's okay to take it slow."
"Don't forget to smell the roses. Enjoy every part of your life."

Well, I know my old life really is washing away and I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. Old habits, old friends, old beliefs - it's all changing in a way it never has before.

Sometimes it feels like time moves to fast. How can it be that I've only been alive 18 years? And yet it also feels like I've only been here for a flash. Time has to be an illusion because it's moments like this that I can't even comprehend it.
I guess it has taken its toll on me when it comes to the way relationships shift.

She's moving somewhere new. I'm still here. She's changed, too. We still love one another, that doesn't change. I got caught up with my life and there wasn't any space for our friendship then I wake up and we're farther then we've ever been and there's nothing I can do to change it. It is what it is. She is who she is and I am who I am. I know it had to happen and made it easier to let her go but I do feel scared. I don't want to imagine not seeing her face or hearing her voice. I don't want to stop hearing her laughter or her nudge on my shoulder. She has been my friend since we were little girls.
I'm gonna' miss her like hell. Of course, I have always known this day would come, that doesn't make it that much easier emotionally though. I did cherish the moments we had together, I always will. It's just scary to live now where she won't be there like she used to be. It's time for me to let her go and I hate it.
'They' say that if you truly love something, let it go because that way it can be free. I want her to be free and to be joyful.

She's not the only one who isn't here anymore. In an instant everything I've ever known was changed. It felt like I had so much safety around me, so much security and the next thing I know my life isn't the same life I knew two seconds before. Mom told me it was at the beginning of the year that all the stuff happened the other day. It felt like just a couple of months. I've already made new friends during that time period. So much has changed just during those months. A part of me feels like I am on fast forward and I just need to slow down. I guess maybe that's why I'm looking at the past.

It scares me for life to just change and things to simply change that I've loved and held sacred as if they were always just a season.

I've been sitting at home not doing very much lately. I do want to get my license and get out there. It's probably not helpful for me to be sitting around here not having anywhere to take my mind off of these thoughts of mine. I want a meaningful life so damn badly that I probably stress my body out too much. I really have had some beautiful times in my life and I think that's why I miss them even more. I just don't want them to disappear as if they never happened. I wonder if I'll forget these days and it'll be as if it never happened.

I do think there is no such thing as time because right now is the only thing I feel like I really am part of. The future always seemed like a hopeful [or hopeless] dream to me. And the past is a memory of a person I no longer am. That's why I don't think reincarnation is such a weird idea. I feel like I am born and reborn all the time.

It's hard to believe that some things can end. But love doesn't. What about fear? Can that end? Will that end for me? For others? I think I may be too tied down by the past. But if a person forgets their past then how can they still keep what they've learned from it?

This is where I step back and humbly wait for guidance because I need rest and it won't get me anywhere to slave over it for hours.

Nemaste
-Elizabeth

Symphony

I am tired of wearing masks. But who is in there? It can't just be a scared little girl. I saw so much more in that heart of mine. And I'm sick and tired of being seen that way, from faces around me and most importantly from the voice in my mind. I tell myself there is nothing wrong with being that person. I wouldn't face the truth of my life before and now I am. But what truth is this?
I don't understand how a person can say they have a beating heart be so fucking cruel.
I walk a fine line between pure love and pure hate. But I don't think it's hate because it just hurts within. I remember why I closed up, again.

I am own my own side. Elizabeth, if you ever read this over, just know I love you. I don't care how crazy I may feel at times, how shitty I think I look, act or believe, I love myself. I do support myself.
I know this world, this life, my own heart can be a scary thing to face sometimes. I trust you, though. I know I'll do my best and I'll never stop trying if there is heart beating in my chest. It's not a promise, it's just something I believe about myself. Yes, sometimes I will fall down but I have a flame in my heart. I've seen my own truth before and now I know that I've cared about myself and my life.

It may hurt when people laugh at my sincere love or when I am fumbling over my words and just can't seem to connect but it does NOT make me a terrible person. It just means I'm doing my best the only way I know how at them time. Like the rest of every other person on the planet, maybe even this entire universe. I can see that right this second. How people are putting one foot in front of the other from the only way they know at the time. They're living their life how they know how and what feels right to them. "It's the curriculum you are on. That is okay, you chose this." I don't know if that is the ultimate truth but it rings true in the sense that this is a lesson and it is not some sort of punishment or condemnation of myself. This is what is right, right now, for me.

There's a reason that I am the person I am. There's a reason I don't want to wear a mask. There's a reason I feel I am entitled to be the person I am without having to hide that I'm genuine about my own feelings or that I need a mask to be accepted. I will take banishment if that is what it comes to. I will not put on masks anymore with the intent to butter other people up. And if I do I will forgive myself and remember this feeling in my heart that I feel the true me, the real me within is the person who I want to be.

I think back on my brother. I could trust him. I knew I could, he understand why I was the way I was. Because, he too, asked the questions and had the burning in his heart and soul. He talked with me about how outsiders who didn't understand, there was just some things I couldn't share with them and that it was good to have a wall. They could not hurt me if I had these walls. He said there was no reason for them to take what is sacred and throw it on the ground then shit on it.
My brother knew what he was talking when it came to that. He knew what it was like more then I did to be treated that way. He didn't trust them and I didn't think I could trust them either after the new experiences I had at Calera and other places. I didn't want people to treat me the way they did and I could not understand why they would ever act the way they did to me. It felt like they hated me when I'd never done anything to them. Yet, even now, it confuses me some. But I know I acted like them in some ways when I felt very fearful and didn't want to be true to myself. I thought I was so cool yet I didn't care about my grades or anything else substantial. A person would say I didn't have my priorities straight. Highschool is an illusion and even when you grow up, is there really anyone better or worse?

I don't know all the answers, even to my own truth. But I know that I am going to keep accepting and loving myself through the difficult times because if you don't have your own love then can you hold any love at all?

"You can't cry, Elizabeth. You're the strong one." I say here and now, I do not claim that title. I am more then just 'the strong one'. I CAN be weak and I can find my truth through such an experience. Being strong for me hasn't been about not letting a tear fall or never share any sense of fear with others. The weakness was when I wouldn't look myself in the eyes. When I wouldn't admit to myself that I was scared shitless or the fact that I WAS upset. Upon looking in the mirror of life, I did understand the pain I'd suffered and yet my love hasn't faltered. I just know inside that I am not going to get anywhere anymore by telling lies to myself and leading other people to believe lies about me. I do believe that if I love myself then there is truly nothing in the world that can destroy my confidence and love for life because I will be certain of the fire within my heart. My heart just doesn't want to be abandoned. When I run then I do feel like a little girl. It's okay, though, I can run. Nothing will stop me from loving or accepting myself. Because for me, this is it. I'm it. If I give up on me, then what else is there for me to believe in? Other people, while I can love them, they are walking their own paths and they cannot save me or my world.

I just keep thinking back on the other student's really hearing Mrs. Jacy verbalize that I'm 'serious' and then I thought back on what Jacob said when I'd gotten angry at this kid who was 'jokingly' insulted my deceased aunt's hat that I was wearing. It did look goofy because of the way I was wearing it but the way he was saying it wasn't joking but condescending. I hate feeling like someone is trying to say they are better then me when they don't have an inkling about me[that's probably my more prideful side which is of course a more insecure part of me]. Anyway, I told the kid to keep his opinions to himself and he told me he was joking but then my friend Jacob says, "She's sensitive." In a mocking tone. You can only imagine how I reacted to that. Calling me sensitive, calling me weak. I never show weakness. At least that used to be my motto because I wasn't going to let anyone one-up me. I wanted to be the one to hurt them if I had to. I couldn't stand people who didn't even care five minutes later to be sending me to hell. They had no meaning, I remember feeling. They were nothing and yet they were hurting me like my own personal insecurities embodied into life.
I didn't want them to be important but they were. I still remember that feeling of drowning. The people around me were the dark waters. In those moment it felt like I was being crushed by the ocean. No one could hear my voice, no on saw me for who I was and surely they didn't have a beating heart to be so mean to me. Then I remember being in their place and being mean to others. I remember this feeling of separation from the person I was doing it to. I wasn't thinking about what it would be like to be their place. Because that's weak 'feely feelings' right? Too bad it burns like hell when it happens to you and then you wish you would've thought about how they might feel. I've been as angry at myself as I have been at other people before.
No more guilt, though. I love me. And I do love you. That's why you can make me hurt so badly. Because the truth is that nothing in this world matters more then you and I. I think that's my truth. If I deny it then it only causes more trouble for myself. I see you and I see you in me. I hope you can see you in me but even if you can't, well, you're just doing what you know best. Be free-

Oh, thou heart of mine, fabulous luck and intentions on the path you're traveling. There be pain in store but I think there is also a lot of love, in store.

Joy

Just a pre-warning, I am about to vent and if you're really not in the mood to hear that then I wouldn't bother reading this post. I'd just rather post it here than someplace public like my facebook or yammer on to one of my friends. But I know I need to get it out because I feel that boiling point reaching it's limit.

So you know those morning's when you wake up and whatever you dream you just had has left you in a terrible mood? It was one of those morning's for me. I had an excellent night last night but my dream sent me spinning in a completely different direction out of nowhere. I really didn't even want to go to school today but I was going to go anyway so I could bring the chips and dip. Also my teacher doesn't ask much from us. But by the time I got there with the other girl's, I could already tell it was going to be a long day and I wouldn't be happy. Aka, I was going to be putting on a happy face so that I could quickly get through it. I don't really believe in wearing masks all the time but I find it inappropriate to be a party pooper just because I'm grumpy. It might have been fine if one my old friends hadn't of showed up. She was honestly the b-word today. I know there have been times that even in the past she has upset me but god she was just being rude back to back to everyone today and it was not sitting well with me. I really want to hit her and usually I don't feel violent. When I was younger that was an urge I got frequently. I'm not going to lie, I had some big anger issues when I was younger and it was pretty easy to set me off.
But today was kind of like back then yet I kept it to myself. Luckily, one of my friend's brought me home early today. The first thing she says to me is, "You look so different without make-up on. I miss your face!" And I said, "This is my face." And she said, "No, I miss your face." That got on my last nerve, of course. One, I don't think make-up is hardly someone's face and that I AM beautiful without it. I also thought it was just plain tacky and rude. How does she not know if that could really bother me? Oh, wait, I forgot...She doesn't give a shit. She doesn't give a shit that she probably hurt every girl's feelings in there and putting her opinions out there when no one asked her. I really have no patience for that kind of behavior. I know it probably comes from all her problems.
I had no patience for it. I know I still have my own problem with acceptance and probably with pride. Should I could call the 'problems'? Like I'm some sort of 'bad' child. It's my own pain, my own wounds. I can't fix it but I can love myself.
Mrs. Jacy gave me a gift for girl's group and on my bottle was joy. She said it was because she knows that I can be a very serious person and that sometimes when my plans don't work out the way I want them to it upsets me. She said she doesn't think I'm really lacking in joy but just that she wants for me to be able to take things more lightly because she knows how it is since she is also a Scorpio.
It's true about me. It felt awkward her saying it because everyone joked about it with me and I felt more annoyed about that. It's something I usually don't want people to know FOR that reason. I do take things overly serious at times. When I was a little girl people would try to give me pet names like, "pumpkin" or "sunshine" and I would tell them, "That's not my name. My name is Elizabeth." It's not like I never laughed, I did laugh! And I definitely wasn't a kid off in the corner studying algebraic equations. I loved adventure and I was quite the silly girl. But humor wasn't something I dealt with very well. Not in the way that most people use it. I hated being teased. It wasn't funny and it sounded like the person was disrespecting me and then expected me to laugh with them. I have lightened up a lot more about that but I do think kids think they can make a joke out of anything when it really isn't funny. As my friend Skye would say, "Not everything is a joke." But I also do see how kids and especially younger kids can laugh at things rather than take things seriously because that is easier to cope. I just wish they wouldn't bring me into it. Haha!
I've had a lot of people telling me I am very serious, lately. I don't even feel that way! I'm just being myself. No, I don't laugh at everything but that's just because everything isn't funny to me. That doesn't mean I don't feel anything at all it just doesn't make me want to laugh. I actually wish things were more genuinely funny to me. I do find that when I am in a laughing mood I am usually in a very happy mood. I laughed very hard last night, for example; it was great!
I was thinking about the fact that when I was going through the stuff that I was, I found practically NOTHING at all funny. And if I ever did laugh, I was faking it to help the other feel better. I just didn't find anything funny.

The ironic thing is my friend said to me after Mrs. Jacy gave me the bottle, "Why so serious?" and then of course the other girl who was making me mad said, "Yes, Elizabeth is very depressed." in a teasing manner[won't rant about that except that if I actually was depressed which sometimes I am that is nothing to joke about, making someone feel bad or inferior for being depressed is not helpful to their emotional health]
But why it's ironic what my first friend said is because I used to be creeped out by that quote from the joker. And there it is in my life again from the mouth of a friend. "Why so serious, Elizabeth?" It just a 'game', right?

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be the way I am. Sometimes I wish it could just go in one ear and out the other but I've done that before. I've not processed my emotions. I could become everything that I want to be in that respect because I've done it before. Life isn't always about being serious for me yet it's definitely not about thinking of my life as this big joke that I really don't care either way about. I don't want to cruise through life anymore. I want to process my emotions and work through them no matter how sensitive it might make me as I do. I believe that the more I do it, I'll grow up so more emotionally but I've just been numb in some ways for a while.

So life isn't a joke to me or a game but do I want it to 'mission impossible' all the time? No. I will try to loosen up some more. It's a process, I think. Joy, hmm? We'll see about that. It is something I'd like but sometimes the thought of it scares me. Because I don't know if it's attainable when standing at the bottom of a mountain. I don't want to strive for joy so much that I forgot to live and just love the moment I'm in.
So I want more joy in my life but not at the cost of forgetting to really love my life.   

The sign is life

Today is my first day back from my weekend long trip to Florida. I stayed at my uncle's house and experience some interesting adventures while there and while going there.
On the ride to Florida, dad and I got stuck in Brewton Alabama because of christmas parade. It's hard to believe but there was a semi in the parade and people were throwing packs of toilet paper from boxes off of it.
It was a very enjoyable experience. It was of course too cold to actually go into the beach water but I did graze my fingertips through it and watch the incoming waves.
I think both dad and I were trying to 'juice' the magic out of the experience but by the end of it we both saw that there was no sense in doing that because of the fact that magic was already there.
We didn't need a 'sign' or a message, the message is in our hearts. The ocean did speak with me and the sand underneath my feet. But it helped me to remember that I am free from the thought process of, "I really wish the magic would appear here." The magic starts in my heart. Because I think that someone has to believe before they can truly see.

Dad and I were talking and we both agreed - there really is no right or wrong. And maybe that "eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil" was the knowledge of right or wrong and because we had that new thought process in our mind we began to build our lives around this separated, duality way of thinking.
I do understand wanting to be true to oneself, though. But I don't see it as 'the right path' or the 'wrong path'. Every path can teach you a lesson and every path has potential. It's just that some path's lead to healing while others can make you sicker.
So it's not the areas in my life that are wrong but it's the area's in my life that are hurt and sick. I just simply want to be free. Living in the fear based life is not what I perceive to be my ultimate truth. I don't think that's really a lack of perfection since to me the idea of perfection is flawed but it's simply a delusion of the core of my being. It's like, being in denial...

It's strange to be learning lessons over and over again. I used to think that someone could grasp a concept once and then understand it but it seems for me that I have to repeat it in different ways to really understand.

Elizabeth

Calling all lonely-

"All I have ever wanted is to see you smile." I feel that way about everyone. I also find myself thinking about how others feel inferior or feel separate in some way. This disconnect has left us all afraid. I want to remember who I really am to the extent that just being around me will remind others that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I've looked at both 'sides' of life, now. Tonight, I found myself smiling at the irony - the hardest moment of my life is what brought forth the most beautiful experiences and it is also now why I feel so very free. Why should my own shadows scare me? I made those shadows. I have created my own fear. I AM responsible for everything that I create. I am these 'shadows'. "To bring to light" means to uncover something and reveal it where it can be seen. There would be no shadows within me if I didn't hide them. If I am ever to love myself entirely then I must be able to see myself entirely and accept this person as this person is. 'Doesn't matter what I see or what I think I should be. I am what I am.
"The first step is acceptance."

And the second step is seeing where to go from there. I found that it's much less scarier then one would think once you start accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. It's that condemnation that can really hurt. But facing and accepting the fear within is what freed me. Once I was able to do that and continue to love myself, I suddenly realized that the reason why life felt so 'hard' was because I was making it hard. I was constantly resisting everything. But it was when I stop pushing that I was finally able to breathe, again. I could hear when people spoke, I could see things more truly and my own actions were more true to me. There was more peace within me. I always find that when things are getting to insane if I just stop and let what be, be everything works its kinks out without me having to make it happen. I guess it's hard to relinquish control but I've learned that only came from my own fears. What's so scary about sitting back and letting what needed to happen just happen.

I've looked in the mirror of my soul and saw my fears clearer then I ever had. Everything I never wanted to accept about myself lived in there in me alone and covered in the shadows I made it live in. Every negative thought and belief about myself I had projected onto others. Everything I hated about others, was really in me. I began to see that there was a monster inside of me. At the time nothing was scarier then this realization. I found out that what I had spent so long fighting - it was me and it pointless. All it had ever done was hurt me more. But I know why I did, I was afraid to accept those parts of me. It felt like if I did, "I was giving up on life."

I think back on the visions of my life and the memories that come. The nights of dreaming and the nights of crying. The days of laughter and the days of mystery or danger. I think about passed lover's and friends. I find myself smiling with joy of these precious memories to me and then I know I can let them go. What have I found? For me, I feel I have found the eternal moment.
I have dreamed always of an amazing life[which I have already lived] and then I wonder what other's dream of. I found myself dreaming for them. I hope that they, too, can find this eternal moment. I know they will eventually. Everyone does...
And when I think of this I know there is nothing to fear. I know that I want to see other's smile. I want other's to see just how beautiful they truly are.

People tell me I AM beautiful and I do not doubt them at all, anymore. I know that I am, inside and out. When they say to me; "I am jealous because you are so beautiful and happy." And I always ask them, "Why? You are also beautiful and sacred." There is no catch with this life. Everyone can have a happy forever. Everyone can be the beautiful one. We all are so magnificent and I love everyone.
That is what it means to be in love with God. God is not one specific person, for me. God is everyone, everything. God IS Love and we are all Love. We are truly one.
 And God, how I AM in love with you. Whether you show up at my door as a lover or as a hungry and homeless man or just someone bored. I want to be the person you need me to be, which is just being the true me. So that's why I'll keep this spiritual and personal journey of growth which will never end.

iluvoux!
-Elizabeth

There is no separation!

Today I was reminded to things: All beliefs and religions lead to the same thing, there is no such thing as separation, and I am perfect as I am. 

I was also reminded that the ego or the projection of the idea of a separate entity is fear-based and just a delusion or a dream that I have been dreaming. 

I can wake up at any point in time and it's not my job to wake other's up but it is okay for me to speak my truth. Today I had a 'button' pushed and I was reminded about this fear within. Ultimately the sprouted from the guilt of watching someone I love seemingly be hurt by my own happiness or acceptance and appreciation by others. I also began to believe that this was because I was somehow different and that meant I was going to be alone. I never dreamed to be this 'great' person who no one can relate to or stand to be around because they are jealous of them. I just want to be me and be loved as me and for others to love themselves and see that the same beauty within me is expressed from them in their own unique way. But somehow I began to believe the lie as well and it scared me because I was just being myself and it hurt the one's I loved, or so I perceived. As my mother pointed out, "Their insecurities are something they have to deal with because you cannot give them confidence." What is it that bothered me so much about it? I felt like I was 'escaping' all that fear-based reality in those moments and then I kept being 'dragged back to hell'. But just like those insecurities within another is their own problem to deal with; the only reason I was bothered by that was because of my own fear inside. There is no separation. There is only love. 

Thank-you, God. Thank-you, Christ within me. For this expression upon the grand stage! 

Now, I will be still and stop thinking because sometimes thoughts are not what is needed to work through certain energy but being still and letting your heart take the reigns. 

- Elizabeth

What is loneliness?

So there is one thing that has truly changed - my friends that once were are no longer the same to me. The love I feel for them has not changed but out relationships have. One, I don't speak with, the other ignores me, and then there is on that I feel I can no longer trust and I realized that I expected something from her that no human can give me. Breaking the dependency I had on her, was the hardest one of all. There is deep love for all of these girls and even now I don't wish to stop being their friends but I want it on my own terms and I want to let them be free to be who they are. That makes me feel very lonely. I am on such a different path, right now. 

I don't care about the things I used to care about and I don't want the same things I used to want. How can I blame them for being somewhere different? I voluntarily chose this path. I even let my old romantic relationship go so that I could rediscover myself in that area. I want to know that I can be who I want to be if I am in a relationship with him and I'm not there, right now. I feel I'd use him passed my own limits. I love him, I do not want to misuse our love. 

But not I feel that I am 'walking a lonely road'. I am not as lonely as I thought I would be since I do in some ways feel surrounded by angels. And I also have many grown up friends of whom I trust dearly and have been relying on, lately.

I remember a few months ago when I first face losing all the friendships I'd once relied on and how scared I felt. Well, in some ways it has happened but not in the way I thought it was going happen. I will say, it is still scary and it has definitely hurt. It has also tested my own love and forgiveness for myself since it is so easy to slip into a feeling of guilt with these situations. How many times have I wanted to force my way back into their lives and work to make things the way I wanted them to be? 

A part of me feels like I am not being honest by not telling them how I want things to be but I have tried before and sometimes there really is a time to let it be and let someone go in peace. I don't want to cause an issue when the issue is just in my own heart now. I will let them go their own way in peace.

Doing that scares me because I know that unless something changes in them, they really will leave in peace and maybe even forget me on their way. It's scarier this way but I no longer want to cause others pain when it is not necessary. I know in truth I'd probably never be REALLY forgotten by them. But there is something scary about knowing that someone can let you go and move on with their life happily. It's not that I do not wish happiness for them but I guess it makes me feel like I don't mean much to them. And then this makes me question my own heart. Should I trust again? Should I risk the loss, again? I know what I've gained but what have I lost? 

I don't want to live a life depending on others but what is a life without others? I used to say such bold words to these friends of mine and not that I'm actually living it out I just feel empty. I do not feel empowered, right now. 

I know I have not stopped loving them and that will never happen but our paths are parting and it's always going to be a little bit sad. Especially when I feel like there is only emptiness left with. The world feels silent and I just want a friend. I've not been friendless for seven years. And even then, there were only short periods where I didn't have a close friend. I have people I can go to. But there is no one my age right now that I can speak to.

I expect this to be scary to me so I'm not really complaining because I'm sure I can also grow from this experience and maybe it'll help me to be stronger on my own. I don't like being SO dependent on other people. I'm hoping I can work to help me feel more confident in myself. 

Again, I am grateful for every moment I've spent with any friend but I know also, everything in this life changes. So I will not try to stop this from happening but I will turn with it. I am loved and loving. 

This is my truest comfort in these moments; knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that I am not alone.

AND! On a more positive note, I am very excited about the life set out ahead of me and the fact that so many things are leaving my life but they are also releasing the restraints on me. While this may be a bit painful and force me to face some things about myself, I really feel my life is changing for the better. 

Thank-you, beloved I AM. 

-Elizabeth, always with love  

Priorities straightened.

So, if my last few posts haven't been evident enough, I've been a little overwhelmed recently. I've come to believe it may partially be because I am unbalanced.
Let me explain, one : I am sick. Why am I sick? Because lately I have been staying up far later then I need to. Why is this? I am always thinking - so involved in life and being part of it.
I would have recovered my illness over the weekend but the day before school I spent almost all the day talking on the phone and socializing. And then I went hoarse! I've hardly been able to speak all day but in some ways, I think this is a good thing. I'm trying to listen now, instead of speaking. In fact, yesterday, I felt that I was talking so much but not really saying what I wanted to say. I'm going to try and be silent more and speak when I feel I really know what I'm saying. I have millions of thoughts in my head, it's easy for me to ramble but there is something lighter about just listening and truly hearing. The world seems a different place.
Secondly: My school is far behind. I have no motivation whatsoever to do it. It's like my brain can't even wrap around the most simple things. I feel like I am pulling teeth but today I made myself do it.
Three: I've not been tending to my chores as much or to exercising and keeping my body healthy. And while my mind is in spiritual matters, I am not really sticking to any sort of routine.
The basics of my life are lacking and without a foundation how can I ever move forward? I have been so consumed in my contemplation that I've forgotten just to live. I will admit that I feel there is literally something else I want to be doing with my time and I wish I could be out on my own doing whatever that is but I want to work for it not have it handed to my on a silver platter.
I think it would be important for me to spend more time on the basics then ALL my time in contemplation. I'd already come to this conclusion but it's what I do when I'm feeling lost. And I have been feeling lost. It's hard for me to trust God. To trust that there is one. I spent many years of my life believing that, that was a cop out and that even if there is a creator it wasn't a being I could interact with. The problem is, I love God. I feel so happy and I felt so happy when I feel God in my life. It's all about love, right? I keep telling myself over and over like a mantra, God is just like a parent. But that's not what God is to me, God is everything. I remember seeing the Lion sun and the Mother moon and those were my parents. Yet, I have seen God in all of those I love and more. But that makes it so hard for me to understand, that infinite connection. Like I said, it's hard for me to have faith in it or to believe and I think that has put me in a difficult place as a Believer.
I've not been practicing my ascended masters teachings either and that I can't really explain why. It's just like I can't stand feeling like I could possibly be trapping myself into something that might not be working. But I've always said that if it makes me happy and it matters to me then that's all that matters. Yet, right now, since I'm having trouble, that doesn't matter to me. I take what I can from it and learn, I keep reminding myself that.
I think there is a part of me that just wants a break. I want to live to the fullest but I don't want every day to be like pushing a bolder through a snow storm.
So I'm going to try and start with the basics and move on up. I'll try to ignore that digging feeling that I need to be living a certain way and remember that this is MY life and I should be able to live it however I want to.
I need to get my license, so I am trying to find that book which can tell me the enigma of the freaking emergency break. No, it isn't putting it in neutral and then letting a roll back a little while stopping it with the e brake. I remember my instructor clearly saying, "What are you doing?!" And that's all I've gotten online. I'll figure it out, though. I'm a smart cookie. After I get that I will start my search for a job and I already have a few places in mind. Now that I am 18 my chances of getting one are far greater then when I was no considered a legal adult, yet.
I want to stay focused on my school work and get that out of the way. I don't know what I want to 'do' with my life yet. I don't know about career, I don't know about location or if I want to school. I am not at that point yet and I won't force myself. I'm going to keep my eyes open but I'm not in a big rush. I still have plenty of time to figure it all out. Though, I would like to hurry up and start living on my own and just seeing how it is to live as an adult. I would like to gain that experience.
I think I'd also have far less time to think about all this craziness if I applied myself more into my life even if it doesn't seem like turn of the century entertainment. I just kept thinking about kids who live in a world where they starve every day and they have no clothes...They will never afford to go to school and many of the live and die alone. I would call myself a monster for ever asking for more if I didn't remember that it's hard for me to even comprehend a world like that. I've never seen anything like it, never experienced anything like it.
Mother is right, I've lived a fairly easy life. No, not emotionally but I can't even say it is anything in comparison to my friends. Father killed himself or father killed mother...God, I can't even imagine it. And when I can, I feel only great respect for those who go through what they do because I know I wouldn't be so strong.
I guess I say all this to say I could at least see the suffering they go through and not waste what they would do anything to have and then maybe I can even be of a benefit to them, to help them. How can I be so concerned with my own affairs when they are over there starving to death? I can't and won't just detach myself from reality anymore. I've got to find a way to help and I know I can.
And I'll take it one day at a time. Blessings to all of you,
love and light - nemaste

-Liz

Voices from a submerged sea-

I think I really don't know much about being in love. It's the one part of my life that still doesn't always add up. It's like I'm split in two by it.
I wanted this to be about love - and I don't want to let him go. It's true, I don't. I feel alone, now. And a part of me wants to. So that I can know that I can still be happy on my own and then I wonder if I'm afraid not to be alone. I also don't want to be dependent on others for my happiness.
But what has the become about? Letting go of someone for what reason? He was my sun, always put a smile on my face and without him some how I feel everything is harder. I don't want to put that pressure on anyone's shoulders. I don't think I'd be good for him and vice versa. Our love is beautiful and has changed my life for good. It's given me belief. That love is immortal, I believe but what is it that I'm trying to let go of? Obviously I can't let our love go even if I wanted to.
I'm letting him go, I'm trying to let him be free and it hurts because I held onto him. He was this warm place in my heart. And now it depends on me. I have to be my own light, my own warm place. And I want to have a guard when it comes to other men. Because I don't trust myself with them or what could happen to me. I'm spoiled in some sense of the word when it comes to relationships. I don't want to become dependent like I did with him on anyone else. I don't want to believe in 'the one' anymore. People are just people and I love them when I can but it doesn't change with the person. Yet, he was that person that I did that with at times. Just like others would do to me. They thought I was the perfect person for them. But it's just because I was aware of my light and it was the same for him.
I did truly love him, though. Despite all the mix up and whatever else. It hurts to think I might be hurting him but I want to release him from my heart so he can be free and be happy. I want freedom but there are so many paths and I feel I know little about love & life, after all.
I don't know what it is that I want and if it's even close to what I need. I'm feeling like that blackhole, again. I don't want to talk to anyone and suck them in with me. I know I'm not alone but I also know I don't want to be dependent on others to make my decisions or help me feel secure.
I relinquish him - I will not hold onto him like a life jacket. Our love means way too much for me to do that. I release him from my heart and like a bird from cage, I let him fly free.
And in this, I am also free-

Liz

I am who I choose to be.

So after what I had talked about earlier I woke up with insight.
Who am I? I am me. I am who I choose to be. The science of my soul, it may reveal answers but who I really am is love. I'm not different in any way that truly counts then others. I may be more aware but this is what I feel is truth to my core. I am Elizabeth Morgan and what really matters is that, that name is my name here and now. The person I am NOW is all that I am. Now is the only time I know.
Where did I come from? I came from my mother and father. But I wanted more from that answer...I felt like saying, "No...before that." Well, I believe I'll know all about that sort of past one day or at least once I pass the veil. But what matters truly is here and now. I came from the same place every other creature did, life. That's what I've come to believe so far. I still do want to know about my past, where I came from in conjunction to the rest of the crowd but it shouldn't stall my growth or being able to live my life.
Why am I here? So far I know it's to love and to be free, to be me. If there is something more specific then I will trust my higher self which holds knowledge of all the questions I've been asking to relay this to me when I need to know it.

Trust. I would like to trust myself more. Trust that I will know what to do whether it be giving a smile to a strange or doing something on a larger scale. I want to make a big difference and I can feel that intensity within me but I also don't want to forget to just live and be me. For whatever reason, this is my home right now and that's all that matters. This moment, here and now.

I still want to keep my eyes peeled but I don't want to forget my life in the process.

~
I was thinking about life and all the different forms it comes in. And how easy it would be to see all the huge differences in perception and everything else that pushes on another apart. Even between the human species, we have different cultures, religions, races and genders. We've got different ages, mental capacities and preferences. But something brings us all together...And not just humans but plants, animals...everything. It's like it see's passed all of it and see's the real us. I think it's love. It helps you to see from someone else's perspective and not to be too quick to jump to conclusions about something you don't understand. Without love, how can any of us live without constant fear of one another or even ourselves?
~
I want to make my own choices. I don't want to leave things up to fate and what I'm 'destined' to be or do. If there is anything that has been planned it must ring true with who I really am for it to be something that I choose. After all, I AM the one who makes the choices, I should listen to my own wisdom before jumping forward.
 

-Liz

The choices I face and finding a path to walk down-

So today I have been thinking about choices. With everything I do there are many different choices which if played would have certain consequences whether I considered them good or bad consequences. I've come to realize there is no 'right' or 'wrong' choice. And following your heart isn't always the only way to go. "Promise me you follow your heart wherever it takes you. Trust it, will you do that?" - "The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention; sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. And sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part...The difficult part is, when you follow your heart you leave normal, you go into the unknown." -Taken from the show, Roswell
And I've also learned that sometimes when you think that you are following your heart you're just listening to the 'loudest' desire. In ways, you are following your heart. But the heart seems to be more complex then a cookie cutter answer.
For example, let's take my job choices in mind. I could be a writer, I've written since I was a little girl and I love it and have gotten much feedback from it. I could be an artist, I've been doing art since I could pick up a drawing utensil and I've gotten much feedback from it. I could be an artist, I have a natural talent for it and have already gotten hired for small parts. The list goes on with zoologist, psychologist, biologist, mission work...ect. And then there is that part of me that wants to search for answers. So I'd probably join some sort of investigations unit but I might even just go do rogue work. 
I can see the struggles and the benefits of all of these jobs or choices but I can't decide on one. I am so creative that would be a waste and painful not to use that in some way, especially when I am SO gifted with it. I know if I continued down the path of living life to it's fullest, being truly happy and free that I would go do something creative and I could share my light with the world. Why be selfish, right?
But then there is something else within me that has this undeniable interest in answering these questions, "Who am I really? Where DID I come from? And why am I here?" Other questions like, "Was I here before? Have I been to other places before...Why did I choose to embody on Earth?" There are times that when I lose focus of the more simplistic life here on earth and start to see the grander scheme, I realize in some ways I feel like I am relearning things here that I already know. So why did I come? I know there is a purpose. 
I guess...it's like I don't want to be just another cog in the wheel. I feel there is something even MORE that I have to offer. But, I've asked myself countless times if I'm just some overly insecure girl that I have to believe there is more then what I've been going after. That there is something 'different' with me. 
Since I was a little girl, I've always felt this way. Different from everyone else. It's not that I didn't love them or know that inside we're really all the same[so it seems to me so far]. But there was this knowing that I was alien here. 
But why?! And now I have decided to go on a path where I will stop asking those questions and just live for love. It's what's in my heart that really matters, I KNOW who I am. And yet there is still this unbearable desire to answer those questions above. The drive can only be explained by two words: something more. I don't even know if I can trust that with this human mind if it really is something so OUT THERE, that I'd be able to comprehend what it is that I want answers about. 
I remember seeing choices at one point and that it really was possible that I could stop all the exploring I've been doing and live my life like everyone else, in a state of my unawareness and I'd just be adding to the massive white noise but I WOULD be doing something. I'd be another cog in the wheel, like a wall flower. It's similar with my emotions...I want to be happy and live in joy but I see so many doing that and right now truly is an easy time to be doing that with a lot of us waking up. And I can so feel the great movement towards light and towards love and I really do like it but I know there is still something else. Or maybe I just can't settle on what my heart wants.
I have trouble with making choices because there really ISN'T a right or wrong choice and since I can't just go on what I desire most since I desire all of them equally the same, I usually just listen to the loudest voice. I don't want to do that. 
But then I think of how I like the native american culture, the christian culture, the Buddhist culture, the new age culture, the pagan or wiccan culture and so on and so forth and that I have learned from ALL of them and it has given me a greater understanding of life from a more multifaceted understanding. Yet I always wonder if it would be more useful if I'd just dedicate myself to one. Why am I unable to do that? Others find themselves at least gravitating more to one then the other...I don't really do that. I just now said that I'm not really interested in the darker path and that was the first thing in years that I'd even chosen not to associate with as much. But it's like I want it all and I lose myself in the process, or do I? 
It's the same with walking away from the one I love most. I had the desire strongly for more masculine energy in my life and he also never could share his world with me because when he did things didn't turn out so well. We were at an em pass. I was too much in this world and his was too much in his own. And yet we shared something...more. As I had spoken of the other day. But I would have never stayed with it for so long if I'd listened to all those other loud voices. I was loyal to one voice and it was that 'more' that I desire so much. It makes me wonder still why I chose to be here, today. My mother said something very touching to me, "Well, that's a hard question to answer. But one thing I do know why you are here for is to love your mother because the love you have shared with me is something very precious to me and it has helped me in every aspect of my life." That meant the world to me. And I remember when I was in the stranger place a few months ago how I had a choice. Stay with the world and shine my light but let go of your 'true love'. Or follow him and return to the new world that maybe I came from. But I know I'm here for a purpose. I just sometimes feel like I'm going to get left behind...And I don't know how to explain it. 
But I'm going to stay. I love my home and my family and what I've learned here and I do feel there is a reason I am here. Maybe I can love life, learn to be more free, create and search for my answers. It almost feels as though I am here, very present but there is another part of me that isn't. And I want to see with these eyes whatever it is that another part of me see's. I know, it sounds confusing and maybe a little bit wacko. I can't even promise myself it isn't wacko to some degree but it's just what I feel. 
So again with the choices...how do I even know what to choose? Free will can be a tricky thing, sometimes. Especially when there really isn't a 'right' or a 'wrong' - then it's all up to you. What will I choose? Logic also doesn't help me out in times like this and my heart screams a million answers, my true self seems to leave the choice 'up to me' and there isn't even a basis of what would be more beneficial to me or to others. 
Spreading my light could be wonderful and I know I have so much to share with others but I feel that this light could also be used for 'something more'. And granted, that sounds fishy to me since I don't see what's more then helping out others and giving them love. But I guess I see it as...I can help out this planet with my light like everyone else is doing...or I can help out this universe with my light. But I can't do that without having some knowing, some purpose and some idea of what it is all about. Especially when I have a million other desires leading me in different directions. Some how I feel I knew how crazy all of this would be...But where does that come from? That knowing? That knowing that there would be a million choices before me and I just have to trust my OWN knowing as to do what it is that I came here to do. And that no, it's not end all of I don't. But there is something more to all of this.


-Liz
simplicity evades me and my circular thoughts 

Finding that still voice in my mind & listening-

Space from him has helped me realize what it was that made me feel so strongly about our relationship.
I just wanted someone who would truly love ME. Not my body, not even my personality but me. My very essence, who I really am. Because I always see people that way. I look at who they really are. I see how beautiful they are and I love their very essence.
But for years that's why I felt so alone. It was like watching people who were dreaming and even when they were looking at me and talking to me, they weren't really looking, they weren't really talking. And the guys who would smile at my smile and love me, they didn't see me, either.
Because I was so different, because I showed my true self they believed I was the one for them. They would believe I was so beautiful and so interesting. They would idolize me without seeing me. Without realizing, they too were beautiful and every girl they'd ever loved had that same beauty I had but like them were unaware.
I tried dating guys when I was younger but I couldn't do it. I felt like I was an alien. I always felt too different. I couldn't give them what they were asking me because I didn't feel the way they did about life.
This is why I wanted true love. It wasn't a fantasy. I wanted someone who could see ME, the real me and love me with all their heart and soul and I knew that only someone who was aware of themselves could see me as well. That was my wish that I wished for every night. Because for so long I spent my life loving others and wishing for their happiness and looking at them, being loyal to them.
But I wanted for this man to come into my life and to see ME, like I had seen everyone. To love ME in return. To fill the gap I felt between the love I gave and the love I received.

I've grown so much as a person and now I don't feel as alone, I see that there were a lot of times I was walking around in my 'unawares' as well. But when it came to love between a man and a woman, there was always something different about my awareness. Almost as if I'd experienced true love before with a man. Like I just knew. This love reached out to every part of my life and is what helped me to transform as a person, today. It did change me when he came into my life.

Because he did see ME and he loved me with all of his being. He was more aware then I was and it hurt me to treat him the way I did at times. Yet his love was always unconditional, never overbearing. That's why I'd say he was the 'one' for me in the sense that he SAW me. I'd begun to believe that I was the only one awake in that aspect of life. Marriages falling apart...boyfriend and girlfriends staying together. I never saw a relationship like I had with him and granted there were some trials we never went through but there were also some that no one else goes through. Like the fact that for about seven years we apart physically more then when we were together and our love only seemed to grow stronger and more beautiful.
And also the fact that it had it's moments of drama but it was actually a safe haven in my life. I grew as a person in all aspects of my life through this relationship. It literally opened my heart back up, like a flowing finally blooming. And with just a mere thought of him and our love I'd break into unbearable smiles, I'd dance and feel happiness I didn't know existed. To me, that's what heaven is. It's found between two people who truly love one another and express it openly.

I don't believe we were different from anyone else, I never TRULY did believe that. I thought the only difference between us is that we were aware of ourselves and how much we loved one another. This is a condemnation and I don't think I've done a better job then other because it certainly takes courage to work the relationship problems but for me it was very hard to know I could have so much more with a person and believe that no one else out there could give that to me in return.

I want to believe that even through all of our pain, fears and whatever else scars that are left on our hearts when can still look in one another's eyes and really see each other, right then, in that moment. That's why it tears me up that for now it's over between us in that way but it also encourages me to see that there are others out there...That I'm not only. Some people are aware, some people can see.

Like a man walking in a crowd of cloaks and he's the only one who doesn't wear one and doesn't try not to look each other in the eyes and see, really see.

I don't want to be afraid of what's 'inside' of me or for anyone to be afraid to show me the truth about their 'insides'. I want to remember why I wanted that love so much because when you find someone who can really see you and you realize that you're not alone...the whole world changes...it shifts.
Last night I was laughing and having so much fun. I was in so much joy. But unlike before I couldn't feel that overwhelming happiness I felt when I'd think of him, anymore. I know it's not gone but somehow I see why the world is a better place when there are people in it who you can trust and love with all your heart.

I feel like I love everyone and some people I'm more unaware of then other's but I do my best to express it in reality. I see how my friends and my family have showered me with love and I am constantly amazed by their strength, integrity and love that they give to me and share with others. Each and every one of them are warrior's of love in my eyes. But I have to ask myself did I do the right thing by walking away from him, from all we'd built together?
I feel in my heart that even if it hurts him he will always be aware of our love and not forsake it but somehow that doesn't feel enough. I told myself that it was me just listening to my ego. That when you really love someone you do what is best for them. One, we didn't really get to talk about it and it's complicated and two, everything my close friend told me I still feel is true. I feel he needs his chance to explore his own path and he would stay here with me forever if I let him. But if what I am suspecting is true that wouldn't end well for either one of us.

When I think of him, I feel as though I can read his mind. If there is a soulmate, twin flame or whatever else I feel it's him. And even if he isn't we have that strong connection and aware of the eternal love we share. I feel as though he were telling me, "Share with the world the love you have. You are worried that you are alone but you know that you never are. You are so very loved and it never changes. But now you are stronger and someone could really benefit from this love that you have to offer."

And I hear the truth in his words. He helped me up the ladder, now it's my chance to help him. I wish it could change, the situation but right now it seems like the separation is for everyone's good. I always wanted our love to be a blessing to others and not something to cause pain and anguish.

All I know is that I'm afraid of losing my love for myself that has grown. I want that happiness again, of course. I am afraid to take another unaware into my life and it test every bit of true love left or growing in my heart. The thought of it is exhausting to me...it's not appealing at all.

I'm fighting between the thought of taking on the challenge, growing EVEN more as a person and helping the world or following me heart. Following the desire and the wish in my heart to be free, to love someone who does love me openly in return and can be free and true to himself as well. I don't think I'm that aware yet but just more aware then the average masses so it would be wrong to expect someone else who is more aware then me to show up in my life and though I do prefer that in some ways I'm not sure if it would be so beneficial. I remember with him it was hard to be at such a different level of aware and know that I was doing things to hurt him without having the experience, will or knowledge to keep it from happening and I also know it had to test every ounce of his true love. But he did and I'd say he was wonderful. I don't have all the answers, not even close and any of the answers I do have our my truth.

Bringing another person into the variable of my life automatically complicates things and I am also automatically responsible for them. I don't want to treat someone like a game for me own loneliness and I don't think I would because I do love very strongly but I know it's possible even for a more aware person. But I know what my heart cry is: I don't want to walk this earth without true love expressed to me. Whatever form or fashion.

I feel selfish when I say that because I know the existence of it should be enough but I was thinking the other night, "NO! Isn't life all about the journey? All about expressing and creating love while it is dormant and ready to be used within you." I want that created in my life and I want to use it to benefit myself and everyone else. I've seen the potential of it and I've grown from the truth and life of it, already. I know the strength it gives me and I know my own weaknesses better then if I'd never had it before.

I have a long life ahead of me and I am still very young. I can do and create so many things. I don't even know where to begin and sometimes it feels like that holds me back. I don't know where to begin, I don't know where my heart is leading me to go. I know love is the big deal for me but where, how? I am an artist but I could do so many things and be absolutely in love with it. I do want to live it up and experience the world but I don't want to just live in every little nook and cranny and not really ever express and share my truth and love with the world. I want to give back to the world, as well. I want to leave a gift. I want to help bring about change. And there are so many ways to do that, as my brother would say. I don't know where to begin. I do the small things for now but it's my 'profession' that most confuses me. I know now would be the best time to really start sitting down and writing my heart out or getting out the easel and painting my heart out. But I have so many things I want to do and I think about and life is going on at the same time. And then there's that desire. That desire to find someone. It's not all consuming like it used to be but I also see that it doesn't just go away.

I tried to blame it on massive insecurity, codependency, ego. I didn't want it to become something I had to have or I wouldn't be happy. That'd mean that love wasn't enough and I knew that went against my truth. But it's like my mother told me, "I'm in my fifties and it hasn't gone away. It never does, I've been like you before and just prayed for it to go away but it won't. It's part of being you, it's part of the human experience."
But then I also remembered that without desire, we'd be dead. Desire is the proof that I'm alive, wanting to give, create and receive more means that I have more life to live. If I felt complete then there'd be no reason to be living this life. And that is one of my desires like anyone else. To be with someone intimately. I do have other desires and I'm not totally ruined by being alone. It bugs me at times but it doesn't put me in an insecure depression like it had at times in the past. And even with the breakup, it was nothing like that breakup I had with Billy. Granted that was a totally different situation and caught me off guard but needless to say I have grown so much since then.

It's just one of my wishes, one of my dreams. And I do believe that now is the time for dreams to come true. Every one of them. And the one's that don't just aren't truly dreams you need to express your life here on Earth.
I'm not in a rush, though my passion may drive me mad at times. I don't mind waiting, I've done it before and can do it again. I'm open for what is to happen though I do feel that string in my heart beginning to tug for someone else. Whatever may come, I pray for peace for my brother or sister and that while I am a fire bird at heart, I remember that prayer. Thank-you, multiverse.

-Elizabeth

Creationist~

I came here to create. No more limits. I am free.
I'm not chained down by duality or right or wrong. The two are one in the same, they are as illusions at father time.
At the end of the day it all ends at the same place but today is what you have. What will I do with it? What will I create? Isn't that what free will is here? We can create. Create thoughts, feelings, actions, buildings. We're all Creationists in our own way.
Love is my destination and freedom is my dream. I want to create these things into this life.

My brother and I spoke of dreams and following them. "Remember when we were little and we used to say, 'Why don't older people who have more freedom then us just follow their dreams?' - 'Well, Elizabeth, they're scared.' And we would both smile mischievously, 'We're not not going to be afraid.' But what happened? We got older and realized the harder truths of life and realized just WHY a person might be afraid or even feel it was illogical to try and follow their dreams. And that's the truth about dreams. They ARE hard to follow and it can be scary as hell to have the courage to even do them. But the soul will always, always call you to do it. You want to know why? It doesn't see the obstacles we see and even when it does see it just says, "So what? I can do that. I'm a God being, not a puny twig." You're soul see's you for who you are. You're fucking Titan, Sam."
I honestly anything can be achieved if you put the effort towards it so I want to ask myself what it is in my soul that I want to create here and I want to GO FOR IT. Even if I make a mistake that is hard to forget. I only have this life to live. I don't care about what happens after death, right now. I'm HERE, right now. Not dead. So while I'm still alive I want to live my life to it's fullest with all my soul, with every inch of my soul.

I want to live my dreams, I want to be a Creationist. Yes, I can. I feel like these are the wings I've been waiting to feel sprouting from my back. I don't feel the urge to judge others, to judge myself. This is SUCH a freeing realization. Live here, now. There is no right or wrong path. There is just YOU and what YOU do with your life. And so that's where I ask my own questions, "What would I like to do with my life?" Or on a more simple scale, "What do I want to do with right now? Do with today?" Sometimes I will just live in the moment, sometimes I will build things up and sometimes combine the two. That's what I want to be able to use my thoughts and my soul in unison. But, I am happy with my life, right now. I will keep shaping it, molding it like a beautiful creation. Because my life is my greatest masterpiece. Oh, how exciting!

We are living f-ing art. GO FORTH CREATIONISTS!!! <3

I am very happy right now and having a "Homage to my Inner Child" week because I will be turning 18 on the    25th! It's a time of growing up and taking on responsibilities as a young adult and I want to pay respects to my past but I also want to remember there will always be an inner child within me that needs nourishment through fun and creativity and to never take life too seriously. Because after all, this life is a "BIG ADVENTURE!" And as a little girl, that was my dream. To go on the biggest adventures I could comprehend. So that is what I will do. And it's also what I'm going to do for my birthday party.

I'm not sure if I will still be making a new blog. I probably will just continue using this one because I believe that's why I created this one in the first place. I'm not sure why I don't always use it but either way I will try to do that more.

---I'd like to take some more time to see where my soul is calling me. But I do feel so much more fed with the way my life has changed. My heart is healing from years of hurt. I am happier, I am healthier. Thank the God that may be for this unconquerable soul. And I am truly thankful to Papa God, Mama God. And all the brothers and sisters that go along with that and ALL the friends that have helped me. I smile and tear up just at the thought. And I send my love to all those that have passed the veil and now live in another realm.
----
I feel I am truly trying to dedicate my life to True Love. True fulfillment and freedom. But thank-you to my higher self and my guides for showing me that there is more to life then just 'being true' and while I 'chase true' I don't want to forget to just stop and Be Who I Am.
Ain't that what it's all about? :]

-Lizabeth

I am free!

I want to say this to my own 'home frequency', to my core:
I AM FREE.
What if we came to this Earth not with a thing to do but to just be? What if this world, this life is not about right or wrong but having fun?
WHAT IF whatever path you choose is fine because at the end of the day it leads all to the same place. And so it's not about the path you choose being right or wrong but being what YOU want to choose. Who are YOU, Elizabeth? Who do YOU want to be and what do you want to be? 
I am free to be and do whatever I want. 
What if life is a big playground, our life the creative brush to a huge masterpiece. I still remember the story about the flower. That God made it because it's beautiful and it reminds us to cherish the beauty, the 'fun' of life. 
What if we're co-creators and we came here to create? If I can create anything, I want to create my life longs dreams but more importantly, I want to create more and more love until it seeps through everything I am, do and be. 
I want to live in this moment. Right here, right now. Nowhere else but here in this moment and just be. To just cherish this moment with all it is. 


I've noticed that I have SO much to say about the experience I went through a few months back and what I've continued to learn and go through after that. A friend pointed out that maybe I should write a book. I may do that one day but right now, I just don't know if I'm ready to share it. Not because I'm stingy but because I don't want to share something that may not even benefit the public. It was talking to a friend tonight and telling her how when I was younger I felt so smart and like I was really ahead of most people in life and then it was like I realized through this whole experience, "Oh...I'm still 17." And I am, no matter how mature I am, I'll always be my age. So anyway - back to my point. I want to write about my experience or anything that comes to my mind that I'd just like to talk about. It's a bit different from this blog because here I am trying to track my progression and day to day life, feelings and thoughts so that when I look back on it at a later time it might be something that I can use as a reference. It also can help to sort thoughts out through a blog. I want to write it online because there is something magical about sending it out to the world like a bottle into the ocean and I know that there are some people who are curious to know about it. The people who have this blog will also get a link to the other one because I'm going to post it on here whenever I do make it.

I don't really have anymore time to write though since it's getting a tad late and I have school in the morning so now I will take my leave!

More from me soon[hopefully!] I do have some interesting stuff I'd like to write about.

-Liz

The beginning of Duality and Oneness~

Wow. Okay! I was going to write something before I got on here but as usual my perspective has completely wheeled around. I struggle with the thought process, "Why do I let myself slip back into this childish way of living?" But then I remind myself that some things in life have to be taken with baby steps. It's NOT going to happen over night and trying to do that just might very well traumatize me. [I know it did when I tried to before] I rush ahead of things, I always have. But I'm growing, I'm learning from my mistakes.

I was going to write about a little clippet of memory I had from the experience I went through quite a few months ago that changed my life forever. 

Here's the low-down, I'd been trying to 'become True'. I had realized that somehow, though my efforts were valiant, there were many if not a strong part/parts of me which did not have my best interest as my moral standpoint saw at heart. And these parts of me I could not control or destroy[which hurting or destroying anything was out of the picture at that point]. 

So what would I do? Live my whole life with this constant struggle of, YOU GUESSED IT! Duality. How in the hell would I get anywhere? I'd always be sending out weak energy and my darkness was a force to reckon with. Well, at this point I'd only identified it as 'the man in the mirror' which my father calls the internal assassin. I also see now that it is the unmastered energy in which has turned into a fearful energy. I saw it happen, every mistake I made would make it stronger unless I was able to forgive myself and at one point...I'd crossed a line with myself, I remember a part of me saying, "No. I can't forgive myself. The only reason I am forgiving myself is because I don't want to face the consequences of my actions. That is cowardice." And a part of me knew, felt that it was cowardice. I didn't want to suffer eternally, this WASN'T supposed to happen to me. Not me. I had convinced myself for many years that I'd NEVER be the one to have such a fate. And yet it's what scared me the most. 

But there was a part of me that simply would not budge on this and was threatening to kill me here and there if I did not cooperate. The energy in my core was like seething fire, I could barely stand it. It's in those moments the real you comes to surface, there are no more masks or games. 

Yet the voice that broke the silence was the 'still, small voice' within that screamed out and said, "NO! I didn't even get my chance to live my life freely, I was never given my childhood! I tried to tell myself not to do this but no on ever listens to me! I just want to be happy, I just want to be free!" And that's when the 'monster'[the part of me that would not accept itself] agreed to letting the child live a life of fulfillment but the other parts of me had to die because they were cowardice and could not accept responsibility for their actions. One part of me agreed but the other part of me, did not. Which was currently at the seat of my consciousness. So 'the child' kept on getting her innocence shrouded by this cowardly person. At one point eventually, I really felt a part of me let go of this life and was lifted away from me but tastes of it remained and the darkness within me kept telling me that's still what I was. That I could I not be free.

Long story short, I realized my 'shadow' self was not going to leave that easily and that the only choice I had to live as the True potential I was, was to be able to become True in the body. But it is said one cannot become True, one just is or they are not. So I just had to be True or not. But I could never 'change' back or I was not True. True never wavered. Never. 

This was the biggest test I went through. I was trying, man, I was really trying and every time it didn't work it was harder and harder for me to accept but for weeks I kept trying. I remember countless days, hours. It didn't matter though because it was to no avail. I wasn't supposed to be TRYING I just supposed to be able to simply do. I DIDN'T understand, I always knew that if a person put their mind to something they could do anything. Anything. So why couldn't I do this? I remember this is when my Angel friends told me they were going to get 'Being True' for me and if this being looked at me he might help me to Be True. After talking to me he decided that he[it more or less] wanted to help me. 

Along the way, I became very muddled in the path and needless to say I was unsuccessful in 'being True' the way I wanted to be.

I remember one conversation. Okay, I had been shown that my consciousness, no matter how many good intentions I had was so unaware of every action I was taking, was SO unable to see what I was doing that I was like a raving madman, running the streets throwing grenades into people's windows. I missed the point of things. And it didn't help that I had this 'shadow' self complicating every move I made that I felt was in a beneficial way. I also didn't believe that I could keep the advice of them for much longer because I KNEW that I had to reground myself or I simply wasn't going to live my life the way I knew. I could remember the peace of hearing only ONE voice and having ONE perspective. God, I needed that peace for clarity. But I also saw how blind that perspective had been. But when I was connected to "Who I Really Am." I was able to see things clearly. So I was trying to be True with Who I Really Was aka, become one with my higher self.   

One weekend when I went over to my father's and this quest 'to be True' was still being shoved on me and I still believed, no matter how pissed I felt at the fake that I could not trust my own consciousness. I spoke with my father, stretched on my bed, biting my lip. 

I was so frustrated...I had finally just stopped trying earlier that day and just lived when Laurie had given me a message. The emotions I'd been feeling were draining from my body and they[the angels and whoever else it was talking to me] said this is what it was like to be dead. Little had I remembered that this is how I usually felt every day of my life while 'grounded'. But it was so beautiful to feel nothing at all, it was peace. They told me there was beauty to it but I still didn't see anything for what it really was when I was like this. I realized this and yet it had rejuvenated me. And when I say, 'see things for what they really are'. I'm not even speaking from a logical point of view, it's like a higher clarity that is much more then logic. I can't explain it unless another person has experienced it. Anyway, back to the story. After the message I immediately had to switch back to who I really was, the child within or something MORE. I couldn't stay in my 'death'. But no matter how hard I tried, it's like I didn't have it in my anymore or even wanted to. I was EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED! This didn't matter.

I remember laying on that bed with my father there, telling him I couldn't go to sleep until I was True. I had already messed up for too long. I had to be True, it was now or never. All the words I'd ever put into it. I HAD to do it. But a voice in my that had no pride left kept saying, "I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired. I want sleep." And the angels maybe voices were getting angry telling me, "Is sleep all that matters to you? This is more important then sleep! Sometimes sleep has to be forfeited. Think about the one's you love." So on and on I tried to be True. Needless to say I eventually went to sleep. When I woke up it was still the same, I needed to be True, though the beings had practically come to the point of not trusting me ounce again. I needed to be True but had no will to do it.

At this point I wasn't even trying anymore, I had no idea what to do. I'd exhausted all my answers. And that was the day that my father brought me to Oak Mountain.

He told me I had a very important meeting on Rock's Edge. All the birds I'd pass by flipped out as if they could sense something was very wrong with me. I knew something was as well but I didn't know what to do. I just didn't. And then walking the trail with my father I felt something in my lurch. I was pissed. Genuinely. WHY couldn't I be good enough? Why couldn't the simple fact that I was wanted to do my best be enough?! I screamed it out in my mind, "I want to try! I know that I'm not True and that I don't see things for what they really are but I want to do my best. How can that not be enough?!" And then the Universe opened up, Being True was back. He told me he was intrigued with what I was saying and that we would meet at Cliffs Edge. So sitting at Cliffs Edge, dad walked off to give me space and I listened to Being True telling me, "I don't want to do this because I don't know if I can trust you but Who You Really Are wants to do this for you. And like that my consciousness was raised to a higher frequency and I could see everything more clearly. The fear was gone, the angst was gone. I saw what I needed and didn't need to do. I was connected with my higher self. My higher self told me that only I could do this because only I could feel the connection with my higher self and that I had to show myself something. And that is when I showed the being that I usually am when I am grounded that I just don't see things for what they really are. That Who I Am see's that I want the best but I just can't see what that is. So that's when I decided instead of continually trying to be True I was going to listen to my Higher Self and go from there. It was then that my Higher Self told me, "Just remember, life isn't all about being True. Listen to who you really are, it's not all True." I still don't understand that all the way and I think it was more that I said, "I never wanted myself to be completely True, that's why you are here." Because I wanted to live in this world and I am that connection to this world. It was as if I was being shown I have mission here. That only I can do. Because True Beings do not have dominion over this realm and in this realm of duality, if I leave it behind before it is ready then will have left the world behind. 

That was when I learned that it was time to just start living as who I was. Not trying to change where I was at but just learning to keep growing at a healthy pace and listening to the guidance from who I really was and higher powers so that I could keep moving forward. I saw that even my doubts had a place in my life. 

I know that I've learned more since those experiences but it also does remind me that I don't need to try so hard to be True, per se. But to REALLY be me. ME. Elizabeth Morgan. Nothing more or less. Just this girl, with these hands and this heart and see that I AM making a difference. I do feel like facing my shadow is important, though but I don't want to force something to happen that just isn't going to happen, right now. Or needs to. I am going to meditate on it some more and see what I get from this. 

But last night I got the information: "To reintegrate my 'shadow' self I must be willing to look at my shortcomings with honesty and to change them. To change the shadow self is to change perception from duality to one whole. Perceiving life on a different frequency. The shadow self exists until there is no shadow thoughts. No hurt on myself or anyone else. This new way of living freedom. Some things only work if you believe in them."

I remember saying I knew this would take courage. And I do believe that. I also remember from my journey before that I needed to remember my consciousness was not that of who I really was but some place in between worlds. That the child was within but that was not my consciousness right then.

It seems wrong to stop trying to grow at all and just accept that I can't be more than I am, now. [in my mind it's like settling with being a serial killer and just killing] but I also can't keep trying tirelessly to force myself into something that just isn't working and that who I really am doesn't even want. 

This is where real courage and wisdom comes in. It looks like I really AM facing the whole duality concept, tonight. Anyway, I wish you all good luck on your journey and I DO believe good luck will come to you if you put the effort out there. Keep heart friends, it's only beginning to become a dream.

All my love and life,

Eli